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Today...well i left school early today to hang out with jake, megan and kelly. I was sitting through�each class and i was completely anxious. My leg was shaking�and my eyes were constantly watching the clock. Only one more hour... 30 min....15 min.... 10min.... 5 min.... FINALLY the bell rung. I felt like i ran out of my forth hour class. I was doing everything the fastest way i could. I made it through the 2 long 24 hour days. And then agonizing 4 hours in school today, but it was worth it. I spent the entire day with him...from 11:45am to 9:30pm... And the whole time i had a smile on my face.

something has completely changed in my life. Theres actually a guy thats slightly interested in me. And iapos;m happy. So incredibly happy. I havenapos;t smiled this much in so long. Iapos;m not exaggerating when i say that when iapos;m around him i feel so happy, for lack of a better word. His hand resting next to mine, i chill went up my arm...the spark. :)
whether heapos;s still dealing with/ sorting out how heapos;s feeling. Somethings changed. And as far as i can see is that it canapos;t be bad.
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Because weapos;re a head turning pair
and when we walk down the streets, people stop and stare.�

Thereapos;s a whole lot on my mind at this point, but Iapos;m too sleep deprived to think it through and sort things out. So Iapos;m just reveling in this repeated assault on my sensory memory. Itapos;s a catastrophic combination, that chases one in circles. Indeed. Yes well, Iapos;m rambling, but I�havenapos;t had any sleep at all in 48 hours. SLEEPY. But things are keeping me up, questions mostly, and my mind running through things said. I�need to shut my brain up and get some sleep before I�die of sleep deprivation, seriously. So enough. Iapos;m off to bed. Tala

Like moths to an open flame; cause weapos;re destructive like that�

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So, I have still managed to not exercise. Its rather impressive really seeing as all I have to do is go and do it. Oddly enough I was thinking about it and I think that if I start exercising it makes it "to real". Stupid I know, but its like if I start there is no turning back and for some pathetic reason its really scary. I think because then it becomes a chance to fail. So not actually starting is better than doing it and failing. At least it is in my head.

I have to figure out what the plan for this is going to be then stick to it. I need to start and I need to stop being afraid of not being able to do this.

Weight: 282.0lbs

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I am having one of those sucky mornings where you wake up thinking about something that depresses you and canapos;t get it out of your head. In this case, Ninety-One...

And then Iapos;m kind of conflicted, because I know if Ninety-One hadnapos;t been taken from me, Chace wouldnapos;t have gotten the chance heapos;s had to get better and be loved and who knows where heapos;d be now, if anywhere....But...I donapos;t know anything about how Ninety-One is...and I feel kind of awful but if I had a choice Iapos;d still pick Ninety-One even though I adore Chace to tiny pieces.

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Sunday
Went Tangs with everything her mum to shop.
ate Suki shushi at Cine.
Watch Connected i just love the movie man
after the show, went Wisma to look for Joker molester.
shop shop shop.
i reach home around 9 plus.

Monday
Went school with Tricia.
Ayid told me that if you never come school, no bubble gum for you.
okay, he bought me bubble gum :D
Went� work after school Sebastian is the only supt working.
poor thing, he know nothing.
Did ular lah top with Doris fun luh.
esp with this group of malay guys, fooling around.
made me Doris laugh hell lot.
went back with Johti
meet up with everything to have our dinner
left for her house.
�

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Sometimes I think of this as a war. Like itapos;s me against the world. Because then atleast I have something real worth fighting for.

And sometimes I think itapos;s more of a battle within myself. An ongoing struggle that Iapos;ll never truly win or lose.

But itapos;s a fight that Iapos;ll continue fighting on my own terms. And Iapos;ll use every weapon in my arsenal so I can survive to see the aftermath.

So I can thrive in the aftermath.
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